Fighting with your husband on full moon nights becomes a bad habit we cannot break easily. The fight can be over anything.  Laundry is an example. Putting clothes away or not putting clothes away can cause a fight. It is one that always has the same ending.  Clothes are heaped on the bed or dresser. Once over, it all is a moot point to go into the file of things to fight about in the future.

“Did you pass gas or was it the dog?”This is a non-fight that prompts opening windows in midwinter. Dropping the spouse’s I Pad can causes door slamming and some shouting.

Then there are dredged up old beefs to fight about.  The fight starts out on that note, but escalates as memories fade that started the fight in the first place. There usually is a  hothead who remembers all but their social security numbers.”Do you remember when?” are good fight starters.  These can escalate quickly.  Such as, “I asked you to watch one of the kids you did not and he went out of the driveway onto the highway on his big wheel?”  These prompt a defensive move on the spouse routine.  “No, I don’t remember.” It becomes a “He said, she said.” fight that is never ending unless scrupulous records of each day are kept, with photos and legal affidavits.

There are escalated fights. These are when both spouses think about who they “could have” married, instead of who they married.  There are no fights in these imaginary marriages. Every day is sweetheart day.  Little notes are written and posted in unexpected places.  The pretend marriage to so and so you dated in college can cause fights that are epic and end up with someone sitting in the car with the motor running. Actually driving off and parking in a grocery store lot to shout into a cell phone so as not to disturb the kids is a good idea when the fight becomes bitter.

Call home and discuss everything that irritates one enough to assign blame: Weight gain, papers stacked on the dining room table, car accidents in the driveway that are also hit and runs, not giving flowers after the births of kids.  These never ending fights can make your ears pop.

Exhausting, fights end and both fighters resort to low blows and gibberish  nonsense.  These are the ones that end up with icy stares and silence.  If there is an open bed, sleeping in it alone is an option.  If not, the couch is the historic alternative. Divorce is the elephant in the house.  One thinks of it, or both do.  It does not matter after forty years of marriage.  Younger couples can threaten to give custody of the children to the other spouse.  This is cleansing.  The baby is teething and crying day in and out, another has a perpetual earache, the third is failing math, and if there is a fourth…that child is opening the window at night to let a boyfriend inside for shenanigans.

In its final moments all fights sputter out like a dying fire.  Forget make-up sex and go to sleep with the dog (or cat) and clean the tile grout the next day with the spouse’s toothbrush. Or, take the piece of clothing that has seen better days and rip it into rags.  Do small things, like changing the passwords on all electronic devices or flushing the toilet throughout the night.  Then you will be guilty, all of the next day.  It is an anchor in your heart.  You look at photos of your wedding and summon up positive feelings that fill the spaces between fights.  Don’t give up on the whole relationship unless it is a last resort.  Sometimes, parting is sweet sorrow that cannot be avoided.  You will lose that weight, join a gym, throw out all clothes that are comfortable but ripped and stained. Paint the walls blood red…or the condiment colors: red, yellow, and green.  Fart freely and make sure you get custody of the dog. Or, stay married and record all conversations on any device.  Cooking is also helpful.  Make a healthy meal and bring out chocolate chip peanut butter cookies for dessert.  Make sure that you do not eat any.  This is slow sabotage as your spouse gains weight and you do not.