My dad was an assistant principal at a junior high off Eight Mile in Warren, Michigan.  He was not a morning person.  My mother made him hot cereal with milk, stirred it, and added juice and a cup of coffee so strong that a spoon would stand up in it.  He dressed in a suit and tie and my mom handed him his lunch as he dragged a briefcase out the door of the garage.

He arrived at school just before the first bell.  His phone rang at his desk and he was told that the Health teacher was M.I.A..  My dad, coffee in hand pushed himself through all the tardy kids still in the hall.  He entered the Health class and the students straightened up, because he was in charge of attendance AND discipline.

A sullen student came into the room with an old school projector and a round metal case containing the film to be shown in the class.  My dad looked at the title on the film and it was a benign looking “Health” tape. He pulled down the six foot screen in the front of the class and started the projector, a dinosaur piece of machinery even back then.  He turned off the lights and sat down at the desk to sip coffee.

There were boys and girls in the class.  My dad glanced at the film now and then.  The kids in the class were uncomfortable and started to pass notes to one another.  It was always the same kids he dealt with on a daily basis for one misdemeanor or other.

Suddenly, my dad saw a five foot long penis with scrotum attached on the screen.  The girls went crazy, and the boys were laughing.  My dad got up from the desk and pulled the plug on the projector.  The boys said “Awwww!”  My dad was furious. He pushed the projector to the back of the room and ripped the film from it.  The lights went back on and the projector screen snapped up from the front of the room.

The Health teacher never showed.  A sub teacher arrived and assigned study hall, which was absurd.  These kids did not study.  Word got around school about the film.  Teachers in the lounge had a field day with him when he ate lunch.

My dad told my mother and I about this at dinner.  He took a Valium. The next morning he told my mom, with real morning words, that he liked his hot cereal lumpy.  I skipped out the garage door to walk to High School before sparks flew.